68. Love and Marriage

February 18, 1975 (B-321)

Written by: Arthur Julian
Directed by: Lee Philips
Guest Stars: Soon-Taik Oh, as Mr Kwang. Dennis Dugan, as Danny McShane. Jerry Fujikawa, as Dr Pak. Pat Li, as Soong Hi. Jeanne Joe, as Mrs Kwang. Robert Gruber, as Sergeant.
Semi-regulars: William Christopher, as Father Mulcahy. Roy Goldman, as Orderly. Johnny Haymer, as Sergeant Zale.

Plot: Burns is giving a Korean medic, Mr Kwang, a very hard time in the OR. Kwang tries to apologise to Burns to smooth the waters, but Burns doesn't let go. McShane, a private, who is sucking up to Burns something chronic, gets much more praise despite doing nothing much at all. The boys invite Kwang into the Swamp for a drink to make up for Burns's nastiness. Kwang tells them that he wants to see his wife before she gives birth. The boys promise to get him a three-day pass. They wangle one out of Radar during pre-marital exams - these aren't like SATs for marriage, they appear to be there to make sure that no GI marries a Korean who's not up to health standards, and to make sure the GIs themselves are up to health standards as well. (No, I don't quite understand it either.) McShane comes in for a physical to marry one of the prostitutes who hangs out at Rosie's. Although the boys try to talk him out of it, he protests that he's thought about it a lot and really wants to marry the woman. They refuse to do the physical till there's been a cooling-off period, and McShane reluctantly agrees - but only for two weeks. Their insistance causes a bit of friction between the officers and the enlisted men. The boys try to explain that McShane is a lonely kid a long way from home who's all mixed up, but Zale and Radar persuade them that they really should just butt out. Meanwhile, Mr Kwang is trying to leave the camp with his pass to go visit his wife, but Burns thinks it's a fake. In the dispute, Kwang runs off and Burns accidentally shoots the Swamp. The next day the boys are visited by Dr Pak, a local shyster. He tries to bribe the boys to allow McShane to marry the prostitute. It turns out that he's been paid $1000 by Dr Pak to marry her, so that she can go to America and work as a hooker for some of his friends. Looks like McShane isn't such a nice young boy after all. The boys run into Kwang, who's been arrested for desertion after running off to get to his village. They can't get Henry to approve Kwang to go to the village, but they get approval to go to the village and pick up Mrs Kwang so she can have her baby at the camp. Trapper gives the prostitute a physical and then confronts McShane about the racket. McShane admits the deception, and asks why he shouldn't get in on it. It turns out, however, that she has TB. Apparently that means she can't marry a GI, and McShane's scam is over. In the bus on the way back from Mrs Kwang's village, she goes into labour and Hawkeye delivers the baby on the way. With Radar's help. (Well, he tries to help and then goes into shock. I guess that's kind of helpful.) The baby is named Radar Benjamin Franklin Trapper John Henry Kwang. What a mouthful! The kids at school will have to call him by an acronym.

Glitches: In one of the early OR scenes, it looks a lot like Alan Alda has a black eye. Tsk, tsk, make-up!
That baby is a little well-developed for a newborn!

BIMOL: Not much for Hot Lips this episode.

Great Lines: Burns: '...all this back-biting!' Hawkeye: 'I never bit his back! But I did pinch his tushie.'
Trapper: 'You give me one more sir I'm gonna prescribe a 24-hour enema!'
When Mrs Kwang starts going into labour, Hawkeye asks Radar for help: 'Where were you when they taught this in school?' Radar: 'I must have been off that year!'
According to one of the doccos made about M*A*S*H, there was a take in the bus birth scene where Radar yelled out 'Ooh! I saw her fuzzy wuzzy!' I for one would have liked them to leave it in!

They All Look the Same to Me: Soon-Teck Oh again (and they can't seem to decide on how to spell his name, either). Also, Jerry Fujikawa and Pat Li. Jeanne Joe, I think, hasn't appeared before or since.

Notes: The camp is getting The Good Earth next week. I loved that film. Yul Brinner. Class.

Comments: McShane's mercenary attitude is a little unsettling. I get the impression that this wasn't a scam which Arthur Julian just made up out of nowhere. Nice to see justice getting done without the boys having to bend the rules.
Radar being terrified of the delivery is hysterical. He's yelling louder than Mrs Kwang!
A cute script, but a rather disappointing story on the whole.

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