66. House Arrest

February 4, 1975 (B-315)

Written by: Jim Fritzell and Everett Greenbaum
Directed by: Hy Averback
Guest Stars: Mary Wickes, as Colonel Reese.
Mary Wickes has had quite a movie career, being on screen since the 1930s, but most recently was Sister Mary Lazarus in the Sister Act movies.
Semi-regulars: Jamie Farr, as Corporal Klinger. William Christopher, as Father Mulcahy. Jeff Maxwell, as Igor. Kellye Nakahara, as Nurse. Bobbie Mitchell, as Nurse Baker. Dennis Troy, as MP.
(Actually, the nurse Hot Lips was talking to sure as hell didn't look like Kellye Nakahara, but she was credited. Maybe someone stole her union card.)

Plot: An OR session is made more complicated by Hot Lips's nerves concerning the impending arrival of Colonel Reese - a very important nurse. After the session in the scrub room, Hawkeye tells her to keep her mind on her work, and Burns steps in to try and defend Hot Lips's honour (with a towel flicking, no less!). Hawkeye appears unruffled, dries his hands and belts Burns in the face. Burns presses charges and demands a court martial. While this is being organised, Hawkeye is placed under house arrest and confined to his tent. Colonel Reese arrives and meets Burns, who she's rather taken with. Hot Lips, trying to put Reese off, manages only to talk Burns up to her, putting him and her (Hot Lips) in something of an awkward position! Meanwhile, Trapper makes a deposition that Burns slipped on a bar of soap, rather than that Hawkeye hit him. Hawkeye is having a wonderful time being under house arrest - everyone is bringing him little somethings as a reward for decking Burns, including a steak for dinner! He doesn't have to do anything but eat, sleep and read, which he really loves. Father Mulcahy comes to visit Hawkeye, and manages to get the movie shown in the Swamp so that Hawkeye can see it - it's a Jean Tierny picture, and Hawkeye loves her. Radar is acting weird, including cheweing out a Captain over the phone for the mail being late. (He pretends to be Colonel Blake). Colonel Reese is giving Hot Lips a bit of a going-over about developing a 'working rhythm' with the surgeon. (The surgeon she's particularly interested in developing a rhythm with being Burns, of course.) Burns is rather surprised to find the movie being shown in his tent, and tries to find Hot Lips to commiserate. He runs into Colonel Reese instead, and she ensnares him. In a break in the film Hawkeye runs into Radar and discovers that the package in the mail that he was so worked up about was a pair of elevator shoes. Radar feels that his lack of height is really holding him back. He also indirectly has a go at Hawkeye for making fun of his shortness, and Hawk apologises. He convinces Radar that his physical stature has nothing to do with the kind of person he is, and advises him to give the shoes to somebody little. Reese is making serious sexual advances to Burns, using the contacts that she has at the Pentagon as an incentive. He's just capitulated when Hot Lips catches them at it, then Reese cries 'rape!' and Burns is arrested. In the aftermath, Hot Lips changes her testimony to agree with Trapper's bar of soap theory and the charges against Hawkeye are dropped. Burns is placed under house arrest instead.

Glitches: In Hot Lips's tent, the wall behind her is green in one shot and red in another. Go fig.

Great Lines: Burns, about Colonel Reese: 'The most decorated nurse in the Army!' Trapper: 'Great. We can put our Christmas presents under her.'
Hot Lips: 'I demand satisfaction!' Hawkeye: 'Tired lately, Frank?'
Hot Lips: 'Colonel Blake would have been here to greet your himself but he's involved with a court martial and some glazed fruit.'
Henry: 'Klinger, it's four o'clock in the afternoon and you're still in a house-coat? Put on a dress!'
Hawkeye, to Father Mulcahy: 'Thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big feller for me.' Mulcahy: 'Oh, Macarthur had nothing to do with it.'
Radar: 'Do you know that the only parade I ever saw was one I was in?'
Burns, when Reese is all over him: 'But we're officers!' Reese: 'Where do you think non-coms come from?'
Burns: 'What am I going to tell my wife?' Hawkeye: 'The truth is always best, Frank. You were waiting for your mistress and you got impatient and attacked another woman.'

The Klinger Collection: A pale blue quilted house-coat with a headscarf. Later his red kilt, sweater and cardigan combo, which is one of my personal favourites.

Suction: 'More'.

Notes: Apparently Hawkeye's patient had a spleen full of lead from a claymore. Guess the kid didn't read the label on the thing which says 'THIS SIDE TOWARD THE ENEMY'. (No, I'm not kidding - that's what they have on them.)
I guess living in drought-stricken Australia has made me ultra-sensitive to the fact that Hawk and Trap leave the taps going in the scrub room.

Comments: The beauty and poetry of Hawkeye's thump of Burns is a moment of pure television brilliance. Pace, timing - it had everything an iconic moment should have!
Hawkeye's MP escort for going to the latrine is terribly funny.
I know it's only meant to be a joke, but Colonel Reese says that it's a pity Hawkeye didn't grab a nurse and jump her bones (IE commit aggravated sexual assault) - is that entirely appropriate? Mind you, M*A*S*H as a series has often had a less than glowing attitude towards sexual assault and the like.
This was one of the first episodes of M*A*S*H that I ever saw, and it is still one of the best. The script was dynamite, a nice three-way plot, and a fantastic performance all round. Henry in tears and stuffing his face with a hotdog at the movie was terribly funny.

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